Mo’ Funny Mo’ Problems

Obama is a fraud.

I’ve been against this guy since day one. I don’t think lacking experience is a negative characteristic, per se. I would love to see someone elected who doesn’t have 20 years experience funneling billions of dollars to Boeing and distilling all political issues down to abortion and fags. Fine, no experience. No biggie.

Trouble is, this guy is just CLASSIC political hack. Don’t tell me he goes from unknown state senator to the leader of the Democratic party in 4 years without some shadowy backers. “Change” and “Progress” aren’t Obama inventions - thats a platform used in every single election since the fucking Greek city-states. What do those things mean? Well, not much - but those vague sentiments have netted the more malleable voters year after year. In the few weeks since getting the nomination wrapped up he has already displayed an eagerness to appeal to the weak-willed status quo line fed by the Democrats for the past 40 years. I’m proud to have been against him since he started this campaign. If you’re still on his side, something tells me you’ll fall out of love sooner or later - it always ends that way.

Some advice: Don’t EVER back a politician.

Demagoguery?

Recently, a pal of mine complained that every comedy movie these days seems to be attached to Judd Apatow. Maybe…

Why does Judd Apatow make every movie?

You’re asking the wrong question. Why aren’t YOU making all the movies?

All it takes is creativity, an original idea, and a contrived
perspective that capitalizes on Generation-Me’s ravenously self-indulgent delusions of oppression.

Just be yourself and let YOUR voice shine!

I wish I could give you guys some magic “secret” to success - but it’s
just about finding what it is that makes YOU laugh.

Who is stopping you???

In a 30 second commercial, Rachael Ray - the famous cook - apparently made the case for Islamic extremism.  And then she tried to sell me coffee.  Talk about split focus!  Why would you dress Racheal Ray up like THIS??:

TRAITOR!

Michelle Malkin has bravely lead the campaign against this ad.  She is one of these rare TV personalities who combines ethnic minority with good looks with female with reasonable political views.  Which is why I love her so much and feel we need to listen to her.   She explains how that scarf is a symbol of Muslim terrorism and that Dunkin Donuts should be more cognizant of how their spokesperson appears.  And she’s right!  Dunkin Donuts has a history of virulent anti-Semitism.

Remember this guy?

“Time to make the donuts?”  More like “time to grow a Hitler mustache!”

Shameful.  And you know what else? A half-eaten donut looks a lot like the Islamic crescent moon…

I used to like Dunkin Donuts.  Never had the donuts, but their rolls are delicious.   Now, I have to let you guys go.  Boycott in effect.  That goes for you, too, Rachael Ray.  From now on, I’m spending more than $40 on dinner.  What’s that?  You were just doing what they told you?  Where have I heard THAT before?

Sounds like something I’d expect to hear from someone taking orders from Box O’ Joe Goebbels!

ROT IN HELL!

[update: DD pulled the ad!  It’s a win-win.  We defeated terrorism and now I can get an iced coffee on my way to work tomorrow.]

This is the weekend of great hangs. First, I saw Monte in New York. Then I went to a show at UCB and saw some pals plus Dan Mintz, a comic I met a few years back who is very funny. And today I partied with Pete Holmes, John Mulaney, and Jen. We started at the flea market, and ended at the Brooklyn Bridge (which is celebrating 125 years of bridging). We made lots of puns - advanced level puns, at that. One involved Toulouse Lautrec. Photos below.

AND some Coney Island Pics from the following day!:

On my way home from the train station, I saw a fight break out on the other side of Lorimer Street. Two girls, taking swings and going nuts. I paused to see if anyone closer would do something about it. Post-9/11 New York City, afterall, is known for its community mindedness. Unfortunately, no one else seemed poised to intervene. I guess the hispanic men in the white impala 3 feet away were busy with other matters - such as staring gleefully at the whole thing.

I sprung to action.

“Hey, knock it off. What the hell is going on here? Take it easy.”

Prying them apart, they relented.

“What’s the matter with you? This is a public street out here. Whose stuff is that on the ground? Do you two know each…Hey break it up!”

Heaving themselves at each other once more, I characteristically reacted without hesitation. They respected my unwavering authority and were separated for the final time without resistance. One of the girls was in tears, the other fuming. Having only approached the story at its climax, I couldn’t say who started the fight or what it was in regards to. Nevertheless, I had to separate the two and told the more spirited one to “Get outta here. Get goin’.” She complied, but not before throwing a cell phone, assumed to be the property of her foe, onto the pavement.

There can never truly be a winner in a fight between two women, who fight without due consideration for honor. They will both be up all night cursing the other, plotting revenge, and formulating an objective summation for brunch compatriots.

I, however, will continue to promote civil discourse any chance I get.

In 1998 I performed at Burning Man.  Here are some of the jokes I told (from my 3rd album “Snickers and Pepsi”)

“If I wanted to spend 3 days on trucker speed burning art work, then I
woulda stayed HOME!”

“How many sexually confused 20somethings does it take to design a
spiritual effigy? I don’t know, but it looks like those creeps over
there need some help!”

[Carnac style]
“Greenhouse Gas” … “What you get for serving vegan bean
dip in the solarium.”

Bear Stearns, JP Morgan, Federal Reserve. You’ve heard about them in the news this week. It sounds very confusing what happened. The TV network execs are unwilling to explain it – leaving their dim-witted TV anchors (pretty girls of mixed heritage) left reading teleprompters full of nonsense.

Well, let me break it down for you; because it’s pretty simple and you just got fucked.

Bear Stearns (hereafter: BS), a Wall-Street investment bank, got what was coming to it. BS found itself eating shit because it had heavily invested in subprime mortgages that were rapidly becoming worthless. Good. That was a big scam to begin with and all those lenders should go out of business for risky investment and luring poor people into loans they couldn’t pay. So, BS does terrible these past 8-9 months. All its investors get scared (rightly so) and pull out – leaving BS fucked.

In steps JP Morgan and the Federal Reserve.

The Federal Reserve tells JP Morgan that, if JP Morgan takes over BS, the Fed will cover it’s loses up to 30 billion dollars. TRANSLATION: JP Morgan can acquire a huge company with no risk whatsoever, with any costs being paid by YOU. Yes, YOU. The Federal Reserve will print $30billion to cover that deal. By doing so, they devalue your money by $30 billion dollars.

Of course, the Fed “lends” the money to JP Morgan – at 2.5% interest. For those keeping score, that’s below inflation, which is about 4% (nice work, JP).

Why did the Federal Reserve, the backer of your currency, bail out BS and help JP make several billion dollars? Because the Federal Reserve is just a bunch of Wall Street bankers. They aren’t “federal.” It’s a private bank and they are helping their own cause – banking.

If the federal reserve didn’t step in, then BS would have gone bankrupt. What’s the problem there? Well, despite MASSIVE losses in 2007, BS paid out over $4 billion in bonuses earlier this year. If they went bankrupt, then all those employees would have had to repay those bonuses (as per the new law*). To sum, the fed devalued your money to save the bank accounts of over 14,000 employees who made a business out of cheating poor people for home loans. And those fucking assholes at BS have the fucking nerve to complain about the offer. The average salary at the company for 2007 was over $242,000.

Next time someone complains about welfare, ask them about the time the US citizenry gave $30 billion dollars to the employees at an unethical company who paid themselves over $4 billion in bonuses despite record losses.

Analogy: Bear Stearns scams a Nolan Ryan rookie card from some kid (American citizens). He’s about to get busted for it and panics. JP Morgan says he will buy the valuable card from Bear Stearns, but only for a fraction of its value and only if the Federal Reserve pays for it. Bear Stearns walks away scot free, JP Morgan got a great card for nothing, and the Federal Reserve paid for it all with money it stole from the same kid who owned the card to begin with. Then they all go on TV and say how important this was to protecting the balance of things.

Ben Bernanke should be executed.

*Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act
“The law improves the ability of the bankruptcy estate to reclaim assets placed in asset protection trusts within ten years of filing or paid as employment bonuses to insiders within two years prior to filing.”

Lots of people come up to me and say “Hey, you’re a gorgeous guy of unparalleled genius; where can I get some cheap razors?  The ones in the store are so expensive!”

I’m glad you asked.

Razors at CVS? forget about them.  $2-3 bucks a pop!  Ridiculous.  Some even go for MORE.  Gillette can go fuck themselves.  Sit in a warm bath and open their greedy wrists, struggling with their own shoddy products to do so.

A few years ago, someone told me Costco had great deals on razors.  And they do - relative to CVS.  But, far as I’m concerned, Costco can join Gillette in that bathtub, bringing with it a 32oz package of smoked salmon, some sweat pants, and an Amex-only checkout policy.  Retards!

Then, one day it hit me like a ton of gold - which I’ve since saved.  The Dollar Store.  Now, not every dollar store is the same, but you can bet your supply of fly swatters that they will demolish retail razors every step of the way.  If you are married to 3+ blades, they got a model called “Big Shot” - often with chinese characters adorning the package.  Myself, I like a solid 2 blader.  Bag of 18? 99 cents.  Yeah, that’s FIVE cents per razor.  I’m talking the whole deal, with handles, ready to roll.  And they don’t have that terrible moisturizer strip - THANK GOD.  The point of that is to get the hair shavings to bind together in a goo which then clogs the blade and makes you use more of them.  Thanks Gillette - NOT.  dis.

Dollar store razors.  You will never go back.

David Angelo two point Oh is ALIVE

www.davidangelo.info

bathe in its glory and report and bugs you find.

Hey everyone.  Sorry I haven’t been posting so much this month.  That will change soon!

Been building a new website.  This blog thing will stay the same, but the new www.davidangelo.info is going to be SICK.  I promise!  Should have it ready to roll this weekend, assuming the hackers don’t break my computer or something.  There’s a lot of people out there who don’t want this project to get finished, most notably my supervisor here in the offices at overstock.com.   Don’t worry, though, it will be rad!